


paralyzed - nightfall spoilers

by kerber0s



Series: kotlc | sokeefe onshots [3]
Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 09:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15838548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerber0s/pseuds/kerber0s
Summary: find me on wattpad: @empire-of-dreamsfind me on tumblr: @empire0dreams





	paralyzed - nightfall spoilers

Sophie had trouble sleeping. It wasn't anything new, she'd always had a little trouble sleeping, but this felt like borderline insomnia. 

_When did I become so numb?_

Everytime she closed her eyes in an attempt to get some rest, different terrifying images exploded in her mind. And due to her photographic memory, she could see all the gruesome details and things that most people wouldn't normally remember.

_When did I lose myself?_

She could see her parents, and then she couldn't breathe and she open her eyes again, no matter how tired she was. She'd see Dex, how she imagined the Neverseen had treated him, and then she'd choke and have to wake herself up again. Or she'd see Fitz, with the black spider-life veins of black crawling all over him, after he'd been impaled by the aurethrepalia. 

_All the words that leave my tongue_

Sometimes she'd see Keefe too, after Dimitar had finished with him, or she'd imagine the different horrors he'd faced with the Neverseen. Then she'd see Amy, who'd been so brave, agreeing to keep her memories and hide the secret and her mind would flash to Sandor, after he'd been thrown off Mount Everest.

_Feel like the came from someone else_

Yeah, it was better when she didn't sleep.

_I'm paralyzed._

She missed Calla, the kind-hearted gnome who'd done nothing but help, the bravest person she knew, who'd sacrificed herself to save her species. 

_Where are my feelings?_

She missed Kenric, the cheerful Councillor who'd been the light of Oralie's life, the one who'd always supported Sophie, even against all the odds.

_I no longer feel things_

She missed Brielle, even though she hadn't known her for long, she knew that the brave goblin hadn't deserved to die how she had, and she knew that the other goblins shouldn't have had to see her aurified so soon.

_I know I should_

She missed the time when she'd simply been happy that she had found somewhere that she belonged. She missed the time when she'd been so happy that she'd made friends. 

_Where is the real me?_

She'd been a zombie for the past few weeks, after Alvar had lost his memory, everything felt especially bleak and hopeless. She knew her friends had noticed, but she also knew that there was only so much that they could do and that the rest was up to her. 

_I'm lost and it kills me inside_

She wasn't depressed, that wasn't the problem, she was just so tired of losing. She hadn't realized it, but she'd gotten up and begun to pace in her bedroom. 

_I'm paralyzed._

Keefe woke up in a cold sweat for the third time that night. He'd told himself that he was going to stay awake, that it was easier that way, that he didn't have to deal with the flashbacks that way, but he was so, so, so tired.

_When did I become so cold?_

Ro was sound asleep outside, and he was mildly glad for that, but he knew she'd wake up if he tried to go somewhere. He mussed his hair, before walking over to his sink. He splashed his face with water to wake up and grabbed a towel, scrubbing it against his skin, hoping that he'd be able to stay awake a little longer.

_When did I become ashamed?_

He sat back down on his bed, holding his nose to avoid the smell of whatever overpowering cologne his father had sprayed all around the house. 

_Where's the person that I know?_

That was the other thing. His father, that prick, had been just as overbearing as he had before, and nothing had changed, even though his wife--Keefe's mom--was parading around, hiding somewhere with Ruy Ignis and Vespera.

_They must have left_

Honestly, Keefe was more disappointed in himself for believing that his father would change, would care about his son, than his father for not doing a single thing.

_They must have left_

Keefe got up, looking around. The moon was shining out his window, as the waves crashed up against the shoreline. He grabbed his crystal and a bottle of piquatine before leviating over to his window.

_With all my faith_

He poured it around the window frame, and used his telekinesis to hold it while he crawled out the now open window, before moving it back to where it'd been before. 

_I'm paralyzed_

Even now, his father insisted on keeping him at an arm's length distance, and though he'd never admit to anyone, let alone confront his father about it, it stung. 

_Where are my feelings?_

He had no problem hiding his feelings, he knew it was the right thing to do, he knew better than to push someone when they didn't want to be. He'd let himself go numb, and now he was panicking, because he didn't want to turn into Vespera, he didn't want to become the monster his mom wanted him to be.

_I no longer feel things_

It hurt  _so_  much, seeing all of his friends and their families, their loving caring families. Every time Alden and Della hugged Fitz and Biana, every time Juline and Kesler hugged Dex, every time Tam stood up for Linh, to protect her, every time Grady and Edaline hugged Sophie, it burned like no pain he'd ever known.

_I know I should_

Even seeing Amy and Sophie, or hearing Dex recount tales of the triplets, it made him wistful. He'd heard of wander lust, but what was the word for longing for something he didn't have?

_I'm paralyzed_

He didn't have any siblings, he had his stupid Empathy. His unusually strong Empathy. He didn't have a loving family, he had his mom--running around with her evil role model, Vespera, and her other lackey, professional brat, Ruy Ignis--and he had his high and mighty dad--who cowered in his different 'escapes' because he couldn't handle things.

_Where is the real me?_

Keefe didn't realize that he'd cast a beam of light with his crystal until he wiped his eyes and looked up. He spun the crystal in his hand, watching the light dance in the shadows.

_I'm lost and it kills me inside_

He hadn't been getting the rest he should've, and he'd tried to immerse himself in pranking his dad, but he felt utterly uninspired, and he'd hated it. He didn't know who he was anymore, and he couldn't exactly turn to his friends anymore. None of them really trusted him, and he got that, he understood why they didn't trust him.

_I'm paralyzed._

But he also knew that they hadn't tried understanding why he'd done it, and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about that. He'd hurt all of them, esecially Sophie, and that was his biggest regret.

_I'm paralyzed_

He stepped into the beam of light before he could change his mind, letting the particles of light whisk her away.

_I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die._

Sophie was drowning in her sorrows. She finally turned the door knob quietly, she knew Sandor'd had a long night too, he'd visited Grizel and come back blushing, but she'd been too tired to tease him about.

_And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago_

Keefe was wandering around in the middle of the night. He leaned over to stroke the neon green feathers absentmindedly, wondering what he'd done to deserve this kind of misery.

_But it's still alive_

Sophie felt her lips curve up into a small smile and jumped in surprise, but recovered quickly, stepping around the sleeping goblin to continue walking.

_And it's taking over me where am I?_

Keefe took hiis time, taking in the scenery and stroking all of the animals there. It made him miss Silveny even more, and not for the reasons Sophie would've guessed.

_I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside_

Sophie swallowed a sob, carefully tiptoeing down the stairs, taking extra care to maintain her clumsiness. She didn't want Sandor to wake up, for one thing, nor did she want to wake Grady and Edaline.

_But I feel nothing, I wonder why_

Keefe wished everything were as simple as just recreating the Great Gulon Accident, and having things go back to the way they were before.

_And on the race of life time passes by_

Edaline and Grady. Mom and Dad. Sophie would be lying if she said that the ease at which she'd accpeted that didn't affect her greatly.

_Look, I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets_

He felt as though he was seeing himself get lost, and it was an out-of-body experience. He'd never admit to anyone how much he wished things could go back to how they were before.

_Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em_

 Sophie had made it down the stair successfully, and that was when she stopped to take a look out the windows. She saw the moon shining, and the waves crashing on the shoreline, and she couldn't help but wonder if there was anyone else out there seeing the same thing and wondering the same.

_I just watch 'em_

He was ashamed of the fact that he missed a time when his mom wasn't a known villain, a villain for everyone, but simply a personal demon. He missed a time when the worst thing he could do was disappoint his father.

_I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it_

She traced patterns in the window absentmindedly, not caring what her fingers were doing, so long as they were occupied and she wasn't pulling out her own eyelashes.

_I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is_

He let the cool breeze wash over him, like a relaxing wave and continued walking rom enclosure to enclosure, comforting the animals.

_I'm in a box_

She closed her eyes and a little fantasy developed. She was at home, with her human parents and Amy, and her friends were their too. Grady and Edaline were her aunt and uncle. 

_But I'm the one who locked me in_

He wouldn't let himself feel numb, he was going to do everything in his power to fight his mom, to fight the wave of darkness trying to wash over him.

_Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen_

It was her birthday, and her amazing, beautiful, friends were handing her gifts. Mr. Forkle was there too, and he was smiling and talking to Alden and Della and William and Emma. Marella and Tam were arguing about something, but it didn't seem too intense.

_I'm paralyzed_

He closed his eyes and the memories came back to him. Fintan looming over him, but it wasn't Fintan, it was Fintan of the Neverseen, his hand alight with fire, roaring and asking why he shouldn't burn off Keefe's hand.

_Where are my feelings?_

Biana was leaning aginst Dex, and Fitz was glaring at them from the side. Keefe was cracking up at something someone--probably himself--had said. Sophie was grinning too, smiling so hard her face had to be hurting.

_I no longer feel things_

Keefe's eyes flew open and he jumped to his feet. He began walking, somewhere, anywhere, ust to get away from the nightmares that were his memories.

_I know I should_

She opened her eyes, ashamed of herself. She wasn't the only one who'd suffered. Grady and Edaline had lost Jolie, and in a way they'd lost Brant too. Dex had lost his mom, in a way. Fitz and Biana had lost their older brother. Tam and Linh had lost their parents. Wylie had lost Prentice. 

_I'm paralyzed_

He found himself in the very same cave he'd been in months ago, getting sand thrown at him by Sophie as they tried to contact the Black Swan. A hint of a smile curved over his lips.

_Where is the real me?_

And the goblins had lost Brielle, and the gores had lost Ravagog. They gnomes had lost Calla. Mr. Forkle had lost his brother. And Keefe. . . The poor boy had never really had his parents and then his mother had lost her mind and his dad had shut him out. He'd never been truly happy.

_I'm lost and it kills me inside_

Keefe could've sworn he heard footsteps, but he guessed that he was simply imagining things again and his mind was taking control again.

_I'm paralyzed (I'm just so paralyzed)_

Sophie slipped out of her house, closing the door softly behind her , and strayed from the animal enclosures, turning to the cave where she'd been abducted, and with her, Dex.

_Where are my feelings? (yeah, I'm just so paralyzed)_

He wasn't losing his mind, he had heard footsteps. He knew for sure this time, and he got up, dusting the fine sand off and before walking out of the cave.

_I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)_

In the distance, Sophie could've sworn she saw a figure emerge from the cave, but she strongly blieved that she was osing her mind and wouldn't let herself fall victim to the terrors her mind concocted.

_I know I should (oh how come I'm not moving why aren't I moving ay yeah)_

Keefe knew he wasn't hallucinating, but the figure had disappeared, back into the shadows from which it had emerged.

_I'm paralyzed_

Sophie wasn't sure why she was outside, she'd just wanted to stay awake, but she was tired and she was really tired, but she knew she couldn't let herself fall back asleep.

_Where is the real me? (where is the real me, where is the real me?)_

Keefe stepped closer, a little more surely this time, and so did the figment of his imagination, the shadow dancer.

_I'm lost and it kills me inside (I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed)_

"Keefe. . ." She trailed off, recognizing who she'd thought to be something her mind had created jsut to make her life miserable. 

_I'm paralyzed (I'm paralyzed)_

He stepped closer and closer, and found himself breathing again when he could see the golden sparkles in her brown eyes. "I know." was all he said, stepping even closer. She took a hesitant step forward too, before throwing caution to the wind and ensnaring her fingers in his hair and reaching up and closing the distance between them.

He kissed her back without abandon, not caring who saw them, and wrppaed his arms around her waist, holding her close to him. 

"I know," he murmured when she pulled away, resting her forehead on his. She bit her lip hesitantly, and he couldn't help but smile. 

It was infectious and suddenly, she was smiling too. 

They weren't numb, they were alive, they were the sparks dancing on the horizon before the sun chased away the darkness. They were the stars lighting up each other's worlds as they shone, brighter and brighter, reaching a supernova together.

They were laughing now, and Keefe reached over to kiss her again, because she was Sophie Foster, and god, he'd been in love with her for so long, and this felt so right. 

She kissed him back, the boy who'd once been cocky and proud, and then had found himself scared and angry, like the little boy he'd once been. She pulle the broken boy closer, wrapping her arms tighter around him, laughing as they danced on the graves of their fears. 

They wouldn't worry about tomorrow, they'd worry about it when it came time, but for now, they were two teenagers, who'd found their souls in someone else. 

Aching hearts and souls were healed as she tousled his hair and he leaned closer just to make her blush. 

"Wow," he breathed, pink and breathless when she rested her head back on his forehead. She giggled nervously, a blushing mess, drunk on happiness. He lay down, resting his head in her lap as they looked up at the stars. She played with his hair absentmindedly, twirling locks of blonde hair around her fingers as she tilted her head to the sky. 

He captured her fingers, slowly pulling them from his hair and resting them on his chest. Her smile grew, and so did his when he saw her.

She was an angel, and she was perfect, and she didn't deserve to be paralyzed in her fear, she deserved to be happy and smile and golden. She deserved to fly.

He didn't deserve her. 

Sophie smiled and leaned down to kiss him again, still not over how good it felt, how happy he made her, and how she hadn't realized until now. He kissed back, he always would and when she leaned back again, her smile reminded her of the smile the Sophie in her fantasy had had on her face.

So happy it looked like it had to hurt. 

But it didn't hurt, and she didn't mind that at all. She gather his hands in hers and pulled him to his feet, running into the wind. 

And shaking his head, he followed her because she was an angel, and when an angel kissed you, you didn't not follow.

Plus, she was Sophie Foster, the girl he'd been unable to admit, to himself even; that he was in love with.

And always would be.

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on wattpad: @empire-of-dreams
> 
> find me on tumblr: @empire0dreams


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